Greetings beloved readers,
I hope you all are enduring this COVID hardship as good soldiers, pressing on in faith, anchoring in peace and growing closer to Jesus and your loved ones. I was lead to share my own journey accepting God's will for me in the form on an unplanned and thwarted pregnancy. Come journey with me and be blessed.
So I’m 7 months pregnant, after my husband had a vasectomy. I was so excited about the vasectomy, not only could I have worry free sex, but not nursing and not having pregnancy concerns made me feel like a NEW woman. My fitness and weight loss journey were underway and I was so diligent with my nutrition trying to drop those 45lbs. Almost exactly 12 months after his vasectomy, I lost 20lbs and started waking up with a lump on the left side of my lower abdomen. I thought, hmmm, hernia or fibroid. Either way, if the uterus needs to go, it can go because I won’t be using it anymore. WRONG! On February 21st I went to my OB, did the usual weight, urine, blood pressure etc.
While waiting for the nurse practitioner to come in, the RN popped back in and asked about my last cycle, again. Right then I knew the only reason she would ask me this twice was because I was pregnant. I instantly burst into tears, and told her to not dare say the words! I needed 10 minutes to collect myself from the breakdown. Every plan I had, every weight loss milestone I reached, was for nothing. I had to gain all that weight back, I had to discontinue training for my first 10k, get off my raw vegan challenge and oh my gosh I have to push out and nurse another baby. WHOA!
What makes the whole thing hilarious is that morning, I booked 2 Caribbean cruises. Through my tears I asked God why He didn’t let the card have a glitch or decline to let me delay in booking. Anyways, back to the story, the NP comes in and says “let’s take a listen,” and there is was, the strongest heartbeat I’d ever heard. Just thumping away joyfully like, “here I am!” When she checked me she said, “this feels like 16weeks.” Another level of shock set in, I’ve been pregnant for MONTHS and had no clue? Ultrasound confirmed there was a whole thriving person in my uterus, just bouncing around. The next week, I had a baby bump, and started my new job (outside the home).
I started off calling 2020 the year of my return. Not only was I was going to get skinny and fit in my orange dress, but I was going to transition to working outside the home after 3yrs of working from home. I was going on vacation with my man and NO kids. I planned to travel home to the Bahamas and I was launching something I’ve always dreamed of having. My line sisters and I were gathering to celebrate, I was going skydiving, taking swimming lessons, and trying aerial yoga. I planned to take several classes, attend public health conferences, increase my community service. Why had all these things escaped me before? Because I didn’t know how to be a mom and be myself (ambitious and outgoing), so I chose to be a mom (with no regrets). Now, my finances had a new priority, prepare for a baby and life as a family of three, more life insurance, new vehicle, maternity clothing, saving to live through unpaid maternity leave.
The hardest lesson from my mothering choices, (natural birth, nursing Liam for 21 months exclusively and Ava for 12) was that I had to slow down and accept that quite a few things were out of my control. This doesn’t wallow easy for a control freak like me. So while I was grateful I could give my babies the devotion they received, and still earn from home, I was EXCITED to be back in charge of my life, and have a part of my day that was separate from home.
After crying and laughing for days, I surrendered. I said, “okay God, I’m ready to talk about it. I don’t understand, I did not ask for this, I didn’t want this. This is a bit extreme for me, my body, my time, MY PLANS, MY PLANS. I never wanted to be pregnant at 29, I always wanted to be done so I could start to live my life.” After another deep breath and tears, I said, “Lord my life just got a whole lot more expensive, temporally and financially. I need help. I need help finding peace & joy so this innocent baby always feels loved and wanted even now. I need help accepting that You edited my plans, that You’re the author of my faith, that You predestined me to be a mom of three and not a mom of 2. I don’t want to be disappointed with Your timeline. Please forgive me and open my heart and mind to this baby well before she gets here. I need help to be more than just a mom, I know You didn’t give me this drive and these passions to only stay home. Let me find contentment with this bulldozing, I trust that what You are building is far more glorious than anything I could conceive on me own.”
I had to pray prayers like these for a month or so before I even acknowledged my sweet baby girl. Not only was I battling my own surge and then lack of emotions but I thought of the various women I’m social media friends with who engage with my posts and are struggling with infertility. I would’ve given every dime I had for them to get pregnant, go to full term and delivery safely. I prayed for them.
Then one night she kicked so hard and I just smiled without even realizing. I melted, a candle lit by the flames of joy and hopefulness. We talked. We came to the understanding that she would 1. Be born in under 4hrs from first contraction to first embrace, 2. She would sleep through the night from a young age, 3. She would latch properly immediately, 4. She would be the sweetest & happiest baby I’ve ever experienced, 5. Although I was dieting she would be healthy. You can laugh, there goes the control freak in me again, even so I literally pray for these things daily.
And then I prayed, more. I confessed, I was terrified and the lens of that terror made me perceive this experience as a stumbling block. When we think someone has hurt us, retreat or rebellion are our natural reaction. But I’d already tried that in a past life, and new it wouldn’t get me anywhere I wanted to be spiritually or mentally. I knew that the wise thing to do, the one thing I wouldn’t regret doing was drawing closing to God. I had to pray more, think about why I love Him more, study the scriptures and let them study me. I knew I needed God to care for me, so my shock and disappointment wouldn’t become bitterness, and rebellion. I knew if I was going to pour into 3 lives, I had better be so full of healing balm, so disinfected, so healed, so free, so anchored in Christ. I had to be! Each time I had a child, I ached for the mother I lost at age 13, I ached to have the experience of my mom mothering me as I mothered. I didn’t want that wound to be picked at again. I asked God to please parent me, to help me parent, to buffer my children against my shortcomings, as He perfects me. Psalm 23 became my comfort and Tamela Mann's God Provides & Change Me were on constant replay, the book of Isaiah became my companion.
For I the Lord your God keep hold of your right hand; [I am the Lord], Who says to you, 'Do not fear, I will help you.' Isaiah 41:13
Listen beloved, when God gives an assignment that discomforts and disquiets us, obedience rarely takes a packing list. The disciples were told to take nothing for their journey as they were sent abroad to proclaim the gospel of Jesus Christ (Luke 9:3). My surprise baby is no different, I have what I need to fulfill God’s will for my life as a mom, a wife and a woman. I wanted it to be the year of my return, and a baby plus corona dismissed most of my plans. But here is what i know to be true, now, The way God does it brings greater glory, brings deeper testimony, brings unshakeable faith and deeper peace in Him. The way God does it leaves your ego at the door, and astounds you and everyone else the same. Here’s the fact we all need to accept when we are called to undesired territory: we can be fully equipped for every good work, and we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. This means Christ Himself empowers us to do the will of the Father, we don’t have to wonder if we can take the load, and we don’t have to make it heavier by adding anxiety, spiritual unrest, diminishing prayer life and anger to the load.
Do not be anxious or worried about anything, but in everything [every circumstance and situation] by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, continue to make your [specific] requests known to God. And the peace of God [which reassures the heart], which transcends all understanding, stands guard over your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus [is yours]. Philippians 4:6-7AMP
How to cope with God interrupting your life? Cry, be honest in prayer and let the frustration, confusion and hurt go. Be fully convinced of this truth, GOD IS NOT OUT TO GET YOU! He did not set you up for disappointment. Unfortunately, our human problem is we have puzzle pieces but no base picture, God crafted the picture and the pieces, He knows where they all fit.
You don’t have to tell yourself, “delayed doesn’t mean denied,” but tell yourself, the will of God is never to hurt You, His Will is that you prosper & be in good health. His will is that you always have more than enough. His will is that the fruit of the Holy Spirit be birth and matured in your life. His will is that you live on radical faith and obedience, that no matter the terrain you remain steady in His love.
I sought the Lord [on the authority of His word], and He answered me, And delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4 AMP
Be willing to go along easy, instead of rough and filled with spiritual resentment. Anchor deeper into His word for His truth and don’t allow your mind to play tricks on you. You will be challenged to accept that God laughed at your plans, I can’t find anywhere in the Bible where God laughs at the plans of believers. I do not believe for one second God laughed at my planning and setting my mind on being more productive, refining my skillsets, and living a balanced life. The Bible tells us “the plan of the diligent lead surely to abundance,” (Prov 21:5), yet Even with our many plans God’s purpose will stand (Prov 19:21). God is not laughing while you’re hurting and mourning your perceived loss, He is calling You to His embrace, to be pruned and built up through this particular experience. So here I am pregnant (UNPLANNED), working, about to start another job and being challenged to be on the tightest schedule of my married life, yet learning myself, my weaknesses, fears, and true desires to the glory of God. I am determined that even this unplanned moment of my life that will produce a lifetime responsibility, will be glorious unto God and for me. I am determined to improve my financial habits even more, be healthier, invest in my marriage more and find new ways to spend time with God. I am determined to not “no” myself into an identity crisis or emotional spiral.
Ask Him for the task during this phase of the journey, and ask for purified eyes that you will see the holy beauty in His will and embrace it. Remind yourself of this everyday, “it is never too late for me to do what God has called me to, every passion and godly curiosity can be explored. My season of relevance is always before me, I am not losing myself, I am coming into my full self. Every stage of my journey is training ground for glory.” I challenge you, if your life has been interrupted by God’s will, spend 45 mins in prayer and worship several times a week, sometimes you will just sit there, sometimes you will cry there, sometimes you will warfare there, but every time you will rise closer to Him, with deeper peace. God interrupting our lives let's us know He cares about our eternity, and He doesn't want us to settle into a comfort that has no glory and requires no faith. I have been challenged to live by faith in a whole new way, God has exposed my fears so they wouldn't tether me beliefs that poisoned my faith and my joy. I am so excited to see my baby girl this summer, and I am thankful she has come into our lives.
“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing.” Zephaniah 3:17
Grace & Peace,
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